


Shades

by Pandean



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben and Rey totally did it, Ben's Not Completely Gone, Childbirth, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Love, Motherhood, Multi, No One Is Really Gone, Pain, Pregnancy, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey's friends rock, Reylo - Freeform, So much angst, That's Not How The Force Works, The Force, The Force Ships It, World Between Worlds, force babies, passing years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:15:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22137658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandean/pseuds/Pandean
Summary: It's barely been two months since Exogol when Rey finds out she's pregnant and she fights grief others cannot understand. But it doesn't mean they don't try.Ben has lingered in between worlds, watching. Because nothing, not even death, can overcome a Force Dyad. And after all, no one's ever really gone.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 43
Kudos: 290





	1. Pitch

**Author's Note:**

> I have a bunch of feelings.

She stays in her room most of the time. During those first few weeks everyone is celebrating and she doesn't want to get in the way. So she stays in the single room their hosts have so graciously provided for her, the last Jedi, and hugs her knees to her chest and sobs silently.

Rey has lost before. When she was a child she made friends with another junk trader only to see them get taken away and sold as a slave. She'd seen Han die and felt the deaths of Luke and Leia. Those had hit her harder than she thought for people she knew so little of. But this loss, it was something different. 

The loss of Ben Solo was like having her heart ripped open and torn into half, the other half thrown away into the sea. There was an ache inside of her that never really went away, like a lost limb. She'd heard stories before of that type of thing. Feeling a limb even when it'd been cut away. Ben had been cut away from her, too brutally short, and she felt him still like a severed limb that she longed to reconnect.

But no one could understand that, not really. Even her friends, who tried their best to get her out of her room, support her, talk to her, they didn't understand. Couldn't. This was the man who tortured them and tried to destroy a galaxy. This was the man who was Rey's other half, who'd been ripped away, leaving broken tissue and ragged muscle and flesh and bone behind. Wounds that wouldn't heal because how could they heal when your other half was gone?

She's not the hero everyone thinks she is. No one knows who she is. Not like Ben did. It's that loneliness that drives her mad most nights and leaves her a sobbing wreck in the tiny bunk she sleeps in. She wears his clothes to bed, the ones he rushed to save her in. The oversized thermals smell like his blood and sweat and if she closes her eyes really tight she can pretend that he's with her, enveloping her with his body. Because she's so small and he's so big and his body would swallow her up just like his clothes do right now. She refuses to wash them, refuses to get rid of the smell of him.

Even when she chants _be with me be with me_ she cannot feel him unlike the many others she feels in the Force and she can't help but fall even deeper into her loneliness.

But she cannot afford to be like this forever. The is the Last Jedi and a hero to these people, these people who will never understand her, and she must play the roles they ask of her. And so after three weeks of seclusion she comes out of hiding only to walk around with a carefully constructed mask. She smiles and beams at the right people, manages to be cheerful and dissuade her friends from thinking anything is wrong.

Of course, none of them buy it. But they let her pretend.

Except for then she gets sick. So, so sick every morning that she can barely get into the 'fresher before she's vomiting up bile and chunks of last night's meal. Keeping food down becomes a chore, a pain, even with Rose sitting next to her rubbing her back softly as the waves of nausea hit.

By the time Rey sees a medic, she already knows what's happening. She knows what's growing inside of her and if she were in a laughing mood she would laugh. Not a happy laugh, but something cynical because it all makes sense now. Ben dying to give her life -- he shouldn't have died, he had enough life energy and force for the both of them. But he knew it before she did, even, before her body even registered it, and he made his choice. He didn't have to do it. She would just have woken up one morning with another one of her irregular periods, a bit heavier than normal, and no one would be the wiser.

Except for Ben.

She would curse his self-sacrificing ass to the edge of the galaxy if she could.

And so comes the situation of explaining to her friends that she's pregnant. Their reactions are priceless, to say the least. Finn stops mid-chew and nearly chokes before Rose thumps him hard on the back and he coughs up whatever vegmeat he swallowed wrong, Poe looks downright murderous for a second, though she can feel through the Force it's not towards her in the least, and Rose, well, Rose beams at her brighter than the morning sun like it's the best thing since their caf rations got doubled. 

"But how?" Poe manages to get out when his face returns to it's normal shade.

Rey doesn't blush because she's not ashamed of what she did. Of what they did. "Before Pasaana," she says, "We...we're connected through the Force. It'd been growing stronger for a while. We could reach out and touch each other." She gives Poe's raised eyebrow a withering look and the man schools his expressions back to normal. "I know you don't understand what it was like but --"

She's cut off by Finn. "I do."

Rey turns to her friend, her best friend you might say, and sees the sincerity in his eyes. "You...do?" She finds it hard to believe.

"That's what I wanted to tell you, for a while now, I mean. I'm Force-Sensitive. Nothing like you are or anything but...I can _feel_ it Rey. And I felt...there was something between you two that I couldn't describe because it was indescribable. But Kylo -- Ben, whoever he was going by -- was connected to you."

"We were a Dyad. Two separate beings who are one in the Force. We were connected across time and space. It was like having one soul in two bodies," Rey says shakily. She's not talked about their connection since Ben died. She can still feel him out there in a place that she can't reach and it makes her want to scream. "I loved him. He loved me. He saved my life."

Rose nods at that. "We save what we love."

"Before our fight on the ruins of the Death Star I had...at first I thought it was a dream but it wasn't. It was me and Ben and just...we did some...things..." Now Rey does blush because how does she tell her friends about her wild dream sex with the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Back when that was still who he was. 

That dream that wasn't a dream had replayed in her head over and over while fighting on the remains of the Death Star. It's filled her with anger and passion and wasn't that what the Sith always said? Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion you grow strength. 

She wasn't dumb enough to believe that he'd been going at her full force during that fight. Instead he let her wail on him with her lightsaber, blocking and attacking when necessary, then healing him when she did manage to stab him with his own blade, all to get out the self-loathing growing inside of herself every time she thought back to her bloodline. Her filthy, polluted bloodline. 

"I don't know how it happened," she says.

"Aside from the sex part?" Poe's arms are crossed and he's frowning.

"Judge not lest ye be judged, spice smuggler," Finn says, grasping their friend by the shoulder. "How the hell is anyone supposed to know that you can do any of that?"

Rose turns to look at her with her large, dark, kind eyes. "So you're having a baby." she says as she smiles softly.

"Two," Rey discloses. "Twins."

Rose reaches across the table and grabs Rey's hand as the boys beside the squabble about stormtroopers and spice smuggling. "We'll be here for you, I promise."

Rey nods. She can feel the sincerity coming off Rose in waves. The girl is so kind and thoughtful, if Finn fucks it up with her Rey might just take her lightsaber to his balls. 

Now lying in her bunk on the falcon with her eyes shut tight, she presses a hand to the small bump protruding from between her hips and feels the frantic beats of life inside of her. For a moment the darkness in her mind abides and she's left with something more that black as she drifts to sleep.


	2. Midnight Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello it's time for a punch in the gut to the feels

When Rey sets out on Tatooine literally everyone argues against it. Or, well, they argue against her terms for it. None of them want their friend, pregnant and fragile and still recovering from a loss they can't understand, out on that world alone. Because of course they know she can handle herself fine if need be, but she's their friend and they're not going to let that need be a thing. It isn't about Rey's ability to defend herself. It's about her friends desires to protect her.

She knows this and so isn't upset when they argue with her about it and when they finally settle on a solution -- she will go on-world with BB-8 while the rest of them will stay on the Falcon and wait for her return -- they've practically already made it to the desolate desert planet. 

She shields her eyes as she walks in the sand, staring at the binary sunset overhead. Luke's relative's moisture farms are still working, though she's not entirely sure how safe the stale water would be to drink. But it's not like she's staying that long, anyway. The rest of the house is a burnt out husk from long ago when his aunt and uncle had been cut down and slaughtered.

The earth here cries out with pain as Rey touches it, cries for the lives lost, the things that never were and Rey sits on the sand and mourns with the world.

_Be with me. Be with me._

But there's nothing there besides her and the sand and the strumming of the Force that connects them all together. 

And so she buries the two lightsabers in the sand and switches on her own, looking at the golden blade. Maybe it's just because the only sabers she encountered were red or blue, but she didn't think that the blade could be golden. But she made it herself with a kyber crystal Leia had given to her before her passing and Rey could only hope that the color was a good thing, not a bad one.

There was so much she didn't know. So much she could only hope for.

When the older lady stops her as she makes her way around the small moisture farm, Rey isn't sure for a moment if she's seeing a mirage. No one is here for miles and yet this old lady stands, asking who she is.

It strikes her suddenly that this is the first time someone has asked her who she is. Not told her, not taunted her, not said they know her. Because other than that one painful part of the force that ached like an underused muscle in her chest, no one knew who she was. Rey. Kylo. Ben. Scavenger. Jedi. Hero. Villain. Hope. Despair. These are all things that Rey is and there are many others she could also use. Padawan. Learner. Jedi. Journeyman. Grey.

But instead of all that she says the first thing that comes to her mind. Her name is Rey. Rey what? Rey Solo. 

Solo. Whoever her kids turn out to be, they will be Solos too. A family of them with the specter of a man behind them. Because Rey can feel him better now down here on Tatooine. She can feel his slight amusement at the family of Solos, at the high and mighty name of Skywalker (which he always found somewhat pretentious) dying out. 

But the Skywalkers were slaves originally, weren't they? Not so high and mighty. Maybe less so than a simple scavenger girl from Jakku. 

She wonders if this is what going mad feels like, when she's back on the falcon. When she can feel that he surrounds her yet he cannot get in, to become the two that are meant to be one -- the way they're supposed to be. She wishes she could shove his spirit into her but then she would be carrying four spirits instead of three and the extra two were already hard enough as it was.

They grow fast inside of her -- or at least it seems fast -- as they spend the last months of her pregnancy on Takodana. The place continues to wow Rey with it's lush greenery and it's abundance of water. It's also the first place she met Ben, though he wasn't Ben then. But even then, running through the forests hadn't they sensed it? Was that why she originally froze? Why he picked her up like a bride? Wondering about these things does her no good because she doesn't know if she'll ever get any answers.

Despite the sunshine, the greenery, the waters, her grief still hangs over her like a heavy cloud. The lost limb is still lost. Her friends may never truly understand her situation, they haven't lived it after all, but they try their best to be there for her. Even Poe, whom goes between being completely baffled about Kylo and Ben and their being two different people, who isn't force sensitive and doesn't understand the pull, does his best to be polite and not say anything to disturb her. Rey knows that Rose personally zapped him with her taser once or twice in the beginning when he muttered something she couldn't make out.

Rey is grateful every day for Rose and every night as well. The gentle girl sits with Rey as she struggles to sleep in between the demands and aches of her bloated body and the images and feelings that haunt her mind. She's there when Rey wakes up screaming, too, and without hesitation will help her into a soft robe and lead her out onto the balcony of Maz's house (she's surprised Maz has her own house, for some reason she thought she lived at the Castle that she runs for all the smugglers and pirates and low-lifes alike) and they watch as the sky turns from pitch black to midnight blue. Rey gets lost in the stars and when she sees a particularly bright one she likes to think of a story for it. Give it a name, a family, a purpose. It was a game she played as a child, always on her own.

It helps her now and she and Rose map out the stars, giving them purpose, until Rey has finally calmed down and her body aches and begs once more for sleep.

She hopes Finn knows how lucky he is for having her while also knowing that Finn thinks Rose has hung the very moon. She might not understand the relationship the three of them have together physically but then again, she's hardly one to talk.

It's one night when she wakes up crying that Rose asks her what she saw and just conjuring it up in her mind again hurts so much. Ben out there, reaching out for her, with children playing around him. He looks older and a bit more weathered but it's him and there's her and there's whoever is inside her womb right now. Her heart still aches from him, his loss, and she still wears his clothes to bed, but she's learning to live with that ache. She can live with the phantom of his presence even if he doesn't have the ability to manifest. It will always hurt but the saying is right that time heals all. Or, at least, it makes it more bearable.

She's having another one of those nights, staring at the midnight blue sky, when her water breaks and she goes into labor. It's painful in a way she'd never known before, almost as painful as when Snoke ripped through her mind, almost as painful as when Ben died in her arms with that goofy smile still on his face, and she curses and screams and for once Maz's Castle is empty because even the toughest criminal knows to run when a pissed off force user is having a fit. 

They make her walk the short path back to the more secluded house -- something about it being good to walk during the beginning of labor -- and she continues pacing as the spasms hit her and she can't help but yell every single curse in the book at Ben because holy hell this _hurts_. 

Finn and Poe watch her pace, standing off to the side slightly awkwardly, unsure exactly what to do. Ultimately one goes and gets her ice chips -- which she devours -- and the other grabs all the baby stuff that they've collected, received, bought, and in one case stolen, over the past months. This includes a project Poe has been working on in secret for months now and won't let anyone know. He's become slightly more tolerant to the idea of Ben Solo as a person and Rey senses he feels no ill will towards her own children.

Which is all she could've hoped for and more.

"I swear to the Maker if I _ever_ see that man again he'll wish he was still dead!" Rey cries out through gritted teeth as Maz checks to see how far she's dilated and Rose is holding her hand. Finn continues to feed her ice chips and wipes her brow with a cool cloth. When Poe nearly throws up from some of the more gruesome sights that come with childbirth Rey takes the nearest object -- a table lamp -- and throws it at his head. He ducks just in time but concedes that if this was a battle against him and his stomach he wasn't going to win. And if he didn't win, Rey would kill him.

Rey on the other hand feels absolutely mortified at the number of people looking at her vagina and is muttering for the babies to come out already. Underneath it all there's the mental chant of _be with me be with me be with me_ and she feels calloused fingers brush against her shoulders once or twice before disappearing like a ghost.

When she's feels just like she's about to lose her fight -- she's tired and hungry and in so much fucking pain -- she feels the air stirring near her ear. _I'm with you_.

After that as the sky turns midnight blue once more she finally pushes out her daughter into the world, following closely by her son. Both Finn and Maz clean the two babies off while Rose, who apparently has the strongest stomach out of the three, gets rid of the afterbirth. Poe comes in, still looking a bit green, but smiles apologetically.

Rey couldn't care less about Poe or the blood or the fact she may have pooped herself or the tiredness that went straight down to her bones. As they help her get cleaned off and into something decent, she reaches out for her children and presses her lips against their foreheads. They smell of new life and she can feel the Force within them, strong, just like she expected. 

The girl already has a dark tuft of hair and a few beauty marks on her face and neck. When she cries it's loud and demanding and her tiny frown at the confusion of entering such a new world reminds Rey painfully of her father. Her son is quieter, smaller, and has finer, lighter hairs, but she can see Ben in the shape of his nose and the curve of his ears. If she looks closely she can see Han and Leia and Luke in the two of them.

Her heart nearly melts when Poe comes back into the room with swaddling cloth made of familiar black material. 

"We followed after you both but you were already gone and he'd shed probably ninety percent of his clothes. They looked warm and a giant wave had just hit me and, well, you don't need the specifics," Poe rambles in a very un-Poe like way, "I kinda took some liberties with the material and made some swaddling cloth and blankets for the kids."

"Where did you learn that?" Finn asks.

"Spice smuggling." Poe deadpans.

And so her kids are wrapped in Kylo Ren's old cloak, but now it's not Kylo Ren's cloak. It's Ben Solo's children's blankets. Like the man himself, the darkness has been reborn into something lighter and kinder.

"Do you have any names?" Rose asks.

Rey nods tentatively. "At first I thought maybe I would name them after someone but I just...it didn't feel right. I didn't want them to be burdened by needing to live up to their names. I searched my whole life for mine, Ben spent almost his entire life denying his, I don't want that for them."

"A wise choice," Maz says as she helps Rey sit up and feed her children properly. They latch easily and without complain to the relief of everyone in the room. "But you do have names for them?"

She does. She thought about it very hard one night when one of her dreams about Ben had been particularly realistic. She thought about the first things she saw off of Jakku, the world she marveled at only a few years ago. 

"The girl is Sky," she says, kissing her daughter on the head. "And the boy is River."

Sky and River Solo finally have entered this world.

If everyone hadn't been so exhausted, they might have noticed the nearly transparent figure standing by the head of Rey's bed, smiling that goofy smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey Solo makes a lot more sense than Rey Skywalker considering everything so fite me


	3. Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, while every chapter is chronological, they don't all happen one after another right away. I would say here it's been two/three months since Sky and River are born.

Rey wishes they could stay on Takodana forever but they can't. The new government lacks leaders and so it looks to Poe, Finn, and Rose as some of the heroes and leaders of the Resistance to take up the helm. They look to her too but Rey shoos them all away with varying amounts of force. A Jedi, even one as conflicted as she feels sometimes, is not a politician, nor does she want to be one. She doesn't have the skill to work a crowd like Poe, the way to make people feel at ease like Finn, and the pure caring compassion that is Rose.

She has herself and sometimes, if she's lucky, the voices of the Jedi before her. She has Sky and River whom she wears on slings. One on her back and one on her front, like she'd seen the few women in Jakku who had children do. 

Her children are her world, her anchor, and she'll sit for what seems like hours marveling at the two babies as they begin to become little persons sooner than she thinks possible. But then again, she was never close to many children. Jakku was not a place for children.

Sometimes she worries she's doing this all wrong because she never had thought she'd ever be a mother -- not while she lived on Jakku, not during a war against the First Order -- and she wishes so much for Ben that it hurts because at least he could point out what she was doing wrong. But she makes a vow, wearing his old thermals. They've finally been washed, just with water though, for the sake of the babes health. But they still smell of him, even while they're clean. She makes a vow in his thermals, holding her two babies in the blankets made from his old cloak, and she vows that no matter how her children turn out. Whether they're force-sensitive or not, whether they're broody and stubborn or innocent and naive or any type of mix, she will not leave them. She will not drop them off to be raised by someone else because she's too busy and cannot deal with the two.

She loves Han and Luke and Leia but she will not raise her babies like they raised Ben. And she makes that vow to him, wearing his clothes, because that's the closest she can find to making a vow on his grave. Her children will know they're loved and wanted and Maker forbid some insideous person try to get into their head because Rey knows much more about who she is now that she is a mother and she won't hesitate to show that to whichever idiot tries something.

Sometimes her feelings get so intense, the protectiveness, that her hands sparkle a bit with static. Force lightning is a dark side trait and Rey's bloodline is dark as pitch. But then again, does it really matter? She knows now she will always have some darkness in her no matter how bright the light shines, she learns this when she nearly succumbs and strikes her grandfather down on Exogol. But it reminds her of Kylo Ren, when he still was Kylo Ren, who always had some light inside of him even at his darkest phase.

And so when she's not minding her children because Rose and Poe (Poe has taken quite a liking to the babies despite being the one most against the idea of Ben Solo, it's odd to watch him crow about how her less than six month old children will become the best pilots in the galaxy because Sky managed to grasp the handle of his ship's steering) have told her she needs a break she's reading the old texts that she'd stolen from Luke so long ago. They tell her of the Jedi and the Sith but they also speak of something in between.

And when she sees her two babies wrapped in Ben's cloak, River with a thumb in his mouth and Sky making cooing noises in her sleep (she wonders what they dream of), she makes another vow. Rey Solo is not the Last Jedi. And she makes that clear every time she speaks in a council or is called in to help on a military matter (two months post-partum but no one seems to notice or care). She reads the books and learns the words and understands that ironically both Kylo Ren and Luke Skywalker were right about one thing -- the Jedi Order must die. The Sith Order must die.

The Jedi Order is what turned Anakin into Darth Vader and what brought Ben years of pain. Rey knows more than anyone the pain of living with no attachments and the need to feel the bad and the good and everything in between. The Sith were not wrong, passion gives strength, but she will also not let herself be so fully consumed by it that she loses sight of what and who she is. Both Orders are harmful and destructive and she finally understands that the only way one can truly be with the Force is to accept both sides of it.

Powerful light and powerful darkness. There must be balance, not an outright rejection. If Ben were alive, he could help her balance it. He could teach her about the darkness and she could teach him about the light. They were -- are -- a dyad. This was their destiny before Sky and River were brought into existence. She vows she'll continue it.

So no, no one calls her the Last Jedi anymore. When she speaks to the governments formed by all the planets rebuilding themselves, it's with one baby slung in front of her and the other slung behind her, with her yellow lightsaber at her hip, and they call her the Grey Jedi because the robes she wears are neither white nor black but something in between.

Rey wishes so heavily he was able to walk this path with her. But she can also feel him a little better now in the Force, still not as strong as his parents, his aunt, but there. And she feels his approval. 

There is no Light. There is no Darkness. There is Rey and with Rey there will be Grey.

Her children, should they be force-sensitive (which considering their parentage, of course they'll be) will be Grey. Any force sensitive person who wishes to train with her will be Grey.

Grey, Rey muses, is a beautiful color. It's the color of transition. The pink-grey of dawn breaking, the blue-grey of twilight. She whispers this to her children as she bounces them on her lap, telling them stories of their father and grandfather, grandmother, uncle, all the people who are gone now. 

These children will be loved and she reminds them that with every cuddle and kiss and touch even when her eyes are stinging from held back tears because Sky might have her hazel eyes but her hair is thick and black and as beautiful as her father's was and River might look like her but his eyes are dark pools that she hopes never look as sad as they ones he inherited them from.

She goes from planet to planet with her friends and supposes them make an odd group. An ex-spice smuggler, ex-General who's cockiness rivals his common sense, who pretends to be a gruff scoundrel but is actually soft as mush deep down, the mechanic with a taser and a quick wit, defensive of her friends and willing to do whatever it takes to help them, the ex-stormtrooper turned-rebel who denies his war hero status in order to tell the truth that he is just ordinary and that is okay, the Wookie who has seen and lived through two civil wars, and her, the Grey with carries her babies with her until her back aches and one of the others has to take over for a few hours.

This is the group that is restoring balance to the galaxy. And, as Poe would say (though not in front of the babies), fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. They are a motley crew but they also are a family.

Night becomes easier, with Sky and River in her room with her, and she hardly ever wakes up from nightmares, hardly ever sobs so hard her nose bleeds, anymore. Her babies wake up crying and she feeds them and rocks them and whispers to them how much she loves them, how much their father loves them. Because Ben Solo sacrificed his very life so they could exist and that's the ultimate act of love.

Rey talks to him, or, likes to think she does anyway, sometimes when the sky is in that grey transition period. She tells Ben about her day, about the things their children have done, about how they are becoming more and more independent each day, she talks about herself too, because the Force is all around them and Ben is a part of that Force now. He will hear her.

Slowly she begins to feel less like she's been torn in half. The wound is still there and it hurts to touch but it doesn't constantly ache. The aching subsides, too, when she sees her family. When Poe is giving Sky 'starship rides' by swinging her around (Rey nearly has a heart attack that first time but Poe has a strong grip) and when Chewie is ruffling the curly brown hair on River's head as he babbles at the dejarik table, when she sees Finn and Rose hold hands in a quiet show of affection. She begins to feel, not whole, not but like she's trailing entrails onto the ground anymore.

When she reaches out with the Force she can feel Ben, though he feels different than his parents and uncle. He has not manifested as a Force Ghost in the way they sometimes do, but she can still feel him and she can feel him coming closer and closer to her. Because he would always come back to her, they are a Dyad, after all. She doesn't know how or what will happen but she knows something will.

And so she feels less like her heart is being torn apart by jagged edges.

Things that would've made her cry now make her smile, fill her with warmth. Like the "Ben was here" scratched into the underside of one of the panels of the Millennium Falcon in barely legible print or when she finds a pair of golden dice in a drawer covered in dust and hangs them up front to Chewie's great delight. 

She is not fully healed, no. But she is like the transitioning colors of dusk and dawn. She is Grey and right now that's something she can live with. For now, that is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts!!! I'm not sure how long this will be but I do know there are a few things I want to have happen like showing some of older!Sky and River (hope you liked those names by the way), and of course, we got our boi Ben Solo coming every closer and Rey slowly stepping out of her depression.
> 
> Also yes I totally think Poe would probably be the most judgmental at first but also be the first one to break down because those babies are hecking cute and then he'd be the best Uncle Poe ever to everyone's amusement. 
> 
> Rose to no one's surprise would be amazing. She deserved better in TROS.
> 
> Finn's just finally happy that he's got a family and that no one wants to go back to Jakku. 
> 
> Chewie is the best baby-sitter ever.


	4. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and some feels for you all

Children grow up quickly. Rey knows this, for sure, she was one of those children. Mentally, at least, since she's still as tiny (some mighty say scrawny but those people aren't the ones who've seen her eat an entire chicken for dinner and go back for seconds three hours later; on an unrelated note, Rey's not invited to cookouts anymore unless there's enough to feed a small army) as she's even been. Even pregnant, she was rather small.

But her kids grow like weeds and she finds the time is passing faster than she can keep up with, like grains of sand slipping through her hands. Her pain is still there as she helps rebuild a fallen Republic and raise her small family but with River and Sky and the _feeling_ of Ben closeby, she's getting through day by day by day.

It certainly helps that she has such a wonderful support base. Uncle Poe (Sky and River's favorite Uncle, something he will never, ever, shut up about) babysits the kids and manages to quiet them when they're having ridiculous force tantrums over their blue milk not being blue enough. Something tells her she should have seen that coming considering whose kids they are. Uncle Finn and Aunt Rose (Finally a couple because Finn worked up the courage to pop the question) help out too when they can, especially when Rey is swamped from dealing with asshole diplomats for hours a day and she feels -- no, she knows, -- soon enough they're going to be another kid in the mix with the way things are going for those two, and of course there's Chewie and Lando and pretty much anyone these kids meet because it's impossible not to fall in love with them even when you're baffled by the fact that yes, apparently, the Force _does_ work like that and you're just going to have to deal with fact your three year olds force project to play catch and get over it.

Her kids (Ben's kids) grow fast and as much as the twins are joined at the hip the two are different as night and day.

Sky is brash and loud and willing to fight anyone who decides to get in her way and Maker forbid you hurt someone she cares about. She's spitfire without the spit, just plain burning passion that somehow manages to not consume this three year old child. Her hair, like Rey predicted, is black and lush and has a slight curl to it and her skin is the same swarthy tone as her father's, beauty marks included. But as aggressive as Sky is, she's also passionate, protective, and has the concept of compassion down pretty well for a three year old. 

River on the other hand is shy, always hiding behind his mother's cloak when meeting new people. His big brown eyes sometimes make him look like a lost puppy and sometimes Rey swears that he just _knows_ things. It could be the way he deals with the Force, she's uncertain. But he knows more than a normal three year old and her shy, compassionate, vulnerable son is the only one who can calm his sister down sometimes.

Rey hopes to the Maker that she's doing something right as she teaches them what she can about the Force (again, they're only three) as they go from planet to planet, helping whoever along that needs them. She tries to keep them on one world for at least six months in a standard year, to have some type of attachment, but even with the changing of planets there is still always Uncle Poe or Aunt Rose or even Lando who is familiar and with them and Rey hopes, hopes, hopes, hopes, that's enough.

She wishes it were easier, sometimes, because she's so young and so is everyone else and there's a Republic to rebuild and yes sometimes she feels a sharp jolt of pain when Sky purses her lips in a way that reminds her of Ben or River hits her with a look from those big brown eyes but she's learning to go on despite it and take comfort from the feeling that if she thinks _be with me_ she may not get a response, not like the others, but she can feel that he's somewhere near and she hopes, hopes, hopes, maybe one day he'll show.

And so it's on Chandrila in their spaciously provided apartment (you cannot have a small space when you have two powerfully Force-Sensitive three year olds, which sadly had ruled out the Falcon as a main home for now) where she's been dealing with the first election the planet has had in centuries where the first flicker comes.

When River rubs his bleary eyes at the kitchen table with his nearly-to-big-to-be-a-toddler fists and proclaims, "The man was in my room last night."

Immediately Rey reaches for the lightsaber that is always on her person before realizing that it's no use now, but she can barely boil down her fury (a man?? in her _kids_ room???) to reply to her son. "What man?"

Sky looks up from the cereal she's been painting with as much as eating and adds to her brother's words. "The one with the ears."

Another flicker runs through Rey but she pushes it down and away because for all she knows they could have a home intruder with giant fucking ears in the apartment and that's not about to fly for this Grey Jedi. Peace may be the Jedi way but anyone who gets near her kids who could be a danger is going to see the wrong end of her lightsaber. Besides, she's not a Jedi Jedi. She's Grey. 

"Sky?" she asks, hoping it's only her imagination that her voice shakes, "What do you mean?"

Sky motions toward her ears. "He's got big ears. Like River's!"

River's ears are, well, big despite being hidden in his curly mop of light brown hair.

There's only one person Rey knows who has ears like River's.

And so she spends the rest of the day slightly out of it, annoying the people she's been asked to help with because she can't seem to pay attention, and is incredibly grateful for Poe when he takes a single look at her and says he'll be on kiddo duty tonight. The man who expressed the most disgusted at the idea of her having _Kylo Ren_ 's children (because Poe doesn't really make the distinction like the rest of them do) has become so firmly wrapped around their fingers you'd think the very Force held him there itself.

When she's finally alone she sits in her room with the shades drawn and closes her eyes, beginning her familiar chant. _Be with me. Be with me. Be with me._

There's nothing at first but Rey can feel some type of twinge that she's never felt before, some time of light reaching out to her and she reaches back with all her might. _Be with me. Be with me._

And suddenly there's just yellow and a voice behind her eyelids calling to her. _Rey_. _Rey. Rey. Rey._

She can't see him but she reaches through the yellow and _yanks_ and then suddenly they're somewhere that's not where she is but not wherever all the others she's managed to reach with the Force are. For the first time in three years, ten months, and twelve days sees him and her heart feels like it will explode.

"Ben," she can barely get the name out.

Ben is an outline more than anything, but yes, she can still see his ears. And she can feel the flicker of emotion resonating in a place that's been dead to her since Ben disappeared into the Force. That underused muscle begins to work overtime as she tries her hardest to hold it together long enough to figure out what exactly this is.

"Rey," he says and steps? no, glides, forward and reaches out in that warm yellow light and she can feel him and he's all around her and inside of her and suddenly the pain of having half your soul ripped away is gone with just a dull ache as a reminder. "Rey!

"Ben," she says his name like a prayer and reaches for hum but can't touch him truly, just merge with his light, and that's just not enough.

"I'm coming," he says, his voice shaking. "I swear I'm coming. Just a little longer, Rey. Just a little longer and I'm here."

"Ben," she says his name for the third time and despite it being the only word she's said so far he can tell exactly what she means by it.

"You're doing such a good job, Rey, they're beautiful. You're beautiful. Please hold on. Please hold on for a little while longer."

The yellow light begins to flicker away and she feels herself being sucked backward into the normal dark area she comes to when she meditates. It is dark but it is peaceful, like the night sky, and one can find stars if they stare for long enough. But now she doesn't want the peaceful darkness, not when she can have the yellow light and his voice and his feelings...but even as the light dies away the underused muscle that is the Bond is still slowly, achingly, chugging along after it's long sleep and Rey must content herself with it for now because he's _coming._

She knows now why her lightsaber is yellow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know your thoughts! There'll probably be maybe two or three more chapters to this little fic. I may write more Reylo fics in the future, depending on how this one goes, and just my own personal muse. Also timing. I'm starting welding classes Monday and I also need to get the manuscript of my second novel to my editor since it's due like now and this lazy ass is only a third of the way through so yikes


	5. Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time.

The next few months are agonizing for Rey. She doesn't show it outwardly, she doesn't want to worry River and Sky (though she suspects they can feel her unease all the same), but still, it's agonizing.

It's reminiscent of those long days and nights on Jakku, the wall of her AT-AT-turned-home that's littered with lines scratched into the metal counting days upon days upon days with seemingly no end in sight. Just going along, hoping, praying, for people she knows will never return to her. Even before, back when he was still Kylo Ren, after they fought together for the first time, he'd been right about one thing. She knew her parents were never coming back for her years ago. But what do you do when you're a Nobody from Nowhere and all you have left is blind hope?

At least this hope isn't blind. No, it's dazzling, searing, like a lightsaber that's just a hint too close to the skin. Rey feels it burning inside of her as her inactive bond slowly reawakens and pulses with life and as she can start to feel his presence in this universe again. Not as a Force Ghost, not like Luke and Leia and that man with the curly hair that reminds her so much of Ben. No, she can feel her other half. He's somewhere waking from some primordial slumber, a place of blackness like oblivion.

Still, waiting is the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Rey finds herself making small mistakes. Simple things. Forgetting to grab the blue milk while at the store. Calling River's plush toy by the wrong name. Sometimes she comes too noticing that Finn's been waving his hand in front of her face for a solid minute and she's been spaced out and everyone is _staring_ at her.

Rey doesn't mind. They don't understand. She can't get mad at them for it.

But in between the waiting there is light. The reconstruction of some type of governing system across multiple planets is going well (while this is something she has little care for or knowledge of, she's glad that so far things seem democratic) and more personally, there is the arrival of little Hope Tico. She's adorable with her mother's eyes and nose and her father's dark curls and it brings Rey back to when River and Sky were that impossibly tiny and she wonders as her two babes become less toddler-like by the day and sprout and grow like the thick greenery of Takodana what their future will hold. What will Hope's hold? She prays it's something good.

And so it continues for nine months, seventeen days, and fifteen hours (not that she's counting) until she feels the pull inside her gut that means she has to _go_. She isn't sure where, exactly, it's not like she has a place in her head. Just some primal instinct to _get there_ and she knows it's time. Her heart feels like it could practically burst out of her chest as she explains the situation as best she can to her friends and Poe, as always, offers to babysit the kids for the time being. Until she comes back. Until they can meet their father.

He doesn't sound bitter anymore about it. Rey knows he'll never be friends with Ben. But she also knows that Poe's come to care for her deeply, in a way slightly different from the sibling-like bond she has with Finn and Rose, and that if en makes her happy he will accept him. And also probably threatened to punch him in the face if he ever hurts her. But that's neither here nor there. Rey is quite capable of doing her own punching, thank you very much.

It's with great reluctancy that both Chewie and Lando come with her. To man the Falcon properly, Lando says, once you've gotten Ben back. No one misses the innuendo in his words and Rey can't help but turn red as a beet. Even Chewie gives her a look and makes a sound that can be roughly translated to "the audacity of the youth today'.

So they come along with her as she uses the feeling in her gut verses any type of map to get to Ben and she should've fucking guessed it'd be back on Exogol. Except for it's not entirely Exogol anymore, is it? The deadly atmosphere, the shiny black stone, it's all still there, but she can see shoots of green sprouting around where the deceased Sith Lord (Never her grandfather, never her family, never even worth naming) and the cultists made their final stand. Rey cannot help but marvel at the emerald veins shooting through the black rock either as if the entire place is being brought back to life. Not light. This place will never be light. But the darkness is subsiding as something awakens and grows.

She can barely keep her feet under her, that's how fast she runs to where her gut tells her. Following the green threads, the trail, until she's in an area where the black stone has officially been swept away by green, all different shades. Emerald and moss, lime and sea foam, the colors of the forest and the cacti she's seen now. Once she never thought she'd ever see this much green. But she was a different girl then. A different woman. 

She kneels on the green stone and presses her palms down against it until the surface reflects something that is not her own face and she cries out _Ben_ with her mind and all her might.

And then he is there beside her. Just like that.

He's dripping wet and naked and Rey immediately hands him her cloak as they embrace for the first time in four years. All she can say is his name. Ben. Ben. Ben.

In return, all he can say is hers. _Rey_. He says it like a prayer. 

He's unsteady on his feet as she leads him toward the falcon and his eyes go wide as dinner plates when he sees Lando and Chewie. She feels the anxiety, the fear spike in his heart and she sends calmness through their bond, letting him know without words that everything will be alright. That he will not suffer. He won't have to hide. That Ben Solo is welcome by everybody (and if not then those people have the good sense to keep it to themselves lest they feel the wrath of _the_ angry Grey Jedi).

"Little Starfighter," Lando says, his voice thick with emotion. Chewie engulfs him in a hug so tight Rey is afraid that a rib may crack.

They get him on the Falcon and into some clean, warm clothes and then just as Lando predicted, Rey and Ben lock themselves in one of the rooms. There's no sex or even kissing. Just holding each other and whispering softly as she tells him about his children and he tells her of his journey from death back to life and the man that turned him back before he could truly cross over.

It's funny that after years of wishing to hear Vader it's only when he returns to the light that Anakin finally comes. 

"You're wearing my clothes," he says as she buries her head in his chest.

"They make me feel safe." She murmurs.

"You haven't even fixed the hole from where you stabbed me." 

"It took Finn, Rose, and Poe six months and a combined show of strength before I would even wash them." Rey replies.

He chuckles. It's a deep, warm rumbling in his chest and Rey loves it.

"Tell me about them," he says. "What are they like?"

Rey doesn't need names to know who he's talking about. "Sky is a handful already. She's got her mind set on being a smuggler if you can believe it. A Force Smuggler Princess Queen I think were the exact words. She's so clever that sometimes I leave the conversation thinking _I'm_ the unreasonable one for not letting her eat dessert since she didn't finish her vegetables."

"Dear Maker," Ben murmurs, humor in his voice. "That sounds like a certain shoot first, ask questions later man we both have been acquainted with. One of us since birth."

"River is quieter, shy. But he's so very kind. He cares for everything and everyone. He's so sensitive and sometimes just _knows_ things. He's not as bold as Sky and more likely to hide from strangers but he has so much love." She thinks of her shy boy and bold girl waiting for her at home, waiting for _them_ , and her heart feels like it will burst with joy for one of the first times in her life.

"What if they're scared of me?" Ben asks quietly. "What if they don't like me?

Rey cups his cheek in her hand. "They'll love you, Ben."

"And everyone else?" his voice is quieter and she can see the flashes that run through his mind. The screams, the fires, the deaths, the pain that he caused or had a hand in causing due to his ties to Snoke and the First Order.

"Kylo Ren was a torture created by Palpatine for Ben Solo before he was even born. Ben Solo was subjected to this torture all of his life and managed to come back to the light despite the overwhelming odds and is responsible for helping save the galaxy." Rey says firmly. "And anyone who thinks otherwise will keep it to themselves."

Ben nods slowly. "I want to make things better. I know I can't ever undo what I did. I can't make it right. But I want to try, anyway."

Rey presses her lips to his forehead softly. "You have your whole life ahead of you, Ben. You can do it -- whatever you need. And your family will always stand by you. Always."

Hours later, when Lando decides to check on the two in their room (they should know better that a locked door cannot keep anyone who frequents the Falcon out of anywhere) to make sure something hasn't gone terribly wrong (because it's been awful quiet and Lando's learned with these types that can be either a good thing or a terrible thing) he finds the two together in an embrace, deeply asleep.

___

When they finally make it planetside again, Rey holds Ben's hand tightly as they exit the Falcon. Standing to greet them are her family. There's Rose and Finn. Finn is holding baby Hope and both look exhausted but happy. Poe's face is harder to read but that may be because he's trying to wrangle one four-year-old away from BB-8 as she tries to take the poor droid apart and has the other clutching his leg, trying to hide his face because ships make a lot of noise and noise is a bit scary.

Thankfully for everyone involved, Rey and Ben's arrival stops Sky in her reign of terror against the droid and she looks up at the man approaching her with her mother and frowns. He seems familiar...but...

"Mommy? Who's that?" she asks.

If Ben has any time to feel insecure then it's fleeting because right as Sky says those words, River breaks away from Poe and runs towards him. Little River who still hides behind other people most of the time, who is such a sensitive child, frightened by thunderstorms and shadows and bees and (strangely) fish, who Rey has to sometimes pry off of her so that he can attend his primary school classes with the rest of the kids his age. Little River runs straight toward Ben and wraps his tiny arms around his legs and murmurs softly, surely, and in a voice that for once is worry-free, _"Daddy."_

He is also, Rey notices, wearing green.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for a bit. I've had a eventful few...whatever however long it's been. But here I am. I believe this fic will probably have one or two more chapters and than an epilogue. As always let me know your thoughts and if you want to see more work from me because I will definitely be going down with this ship


	6. Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our happily ever after

It is River that bonds with Ben faster. Her beautiful, shy, sensitive boy connects with her husband (because that's what he is now, it's official) on a deeper level in what Rey assumes to be the same way she's connected with Sky. It's not that Sky doesn't like Ben, because despite her initial wariness, she does, it's just that she's a complete Momma's Girl to the core. But no one can deny that she's Ben's child whenever she creates mischief and shrugs with that cocky look on her face or manages to haggle her way out of any situation.

Ben was right about one thing. If they weren't careful they'd be raising a mini Han Solo. But then again, Ben is quite a bit like Han now that he's not Kylo Ren.

They're lounging in their modest but spacious apartment on Naboo while the kids are at school. She's amazed at the way River is now thriving and Ben just shrugs and says that he used to be a sensitive child, too. He gets it. And Rey is glad he does.

It was surprisingly easy to convince everyone of Ben's technical innocence. No one wants to go against the Grey Jedi after all. Ben finds the idea incredibly interesting and joins her, though his fighting style has always been a bit more brutal that's not what makes up the dark side or light side. In all honesty, Ben's better at the whole meditation thing than her. She sits there for five minutes before wanting to throw the pillow she's sitting on in his face as he's levitating in midair, completely in the zone.

She does once or twice. It inevitably leads to a wrestling match that turns into a making out session which turns into sex. Neither of them complain.

One thing she doesn't expect is Ben being a complete hit with the kids. Not just her kids. All the kids. Hope Tico loves him and he's the favorite to come to take-your-parent-to-school day. It helps that he might levitate some of them with the force and let them fly around. But even without his tricks, he just seems to attract even the most shy, sensitive children and he always gives Rey a helpless look when it happens.

But that's also okay. Rey attracts the bold ones.

They make a life together. It's known that anyone who is force sensitive is welcome to come and learn from them. But they don't teach the Jedi ways and they don't teach the Sith ways either. They've created their own curriculum and made it known that someone who is force sensitive doesn't need to go around wielding a lightsaber if they don't want to. Most don't. Finn, who has grown stronger in the force, sometimes helps out. 

They're still occassionally called to missions but thankfully they occur less and less as the galaxy stabilizes itself and for once it seems like there'll be lasting peace. They haven't needed to use their sabers in true combat for a long, long time and both of them are grateful though they still practice with each other to keep their skills sharp. And if other force sensitive people wish for saber training, they get it. 

But there is no light and there is no dark. There is just this clearness of knowing that there is an in-between that seems to suit everyone. No need to deny emotions or attachments, no need to be afraid of fear or passion, no need to let it consume them either. Just this knowing that the force is with them always. 

Ben once said to let the old ways die, back when he was Kylo, and he was right in a weird, roundabout way. The old ways are gone but there comes new ways in their places. Better ways.

River and Sky are both eight years old when another addition to their family takes place. Little Hazel has her mother's eyes and hair though it still more like the thick mane her father has than anything else. She also inherits the dreaded ears but that makes River happy since now three out of five of them have big ears. Besides, with all that hair you can't see them.

They take to their little sister quickly and with minimal jealousy that comes with a new sibling. 

They grow older and more independent and Rey and Ben watch as their three children make their way into the galaxy each set out to carve a wonderful path. 

Rey has come a long way from scratching tallies on the AT-AT on Jakku and Ben has come a long way since he donned his original mask. If you'd ask either of them where they thought they'd have ended up years ago, the answers would be very different than the are now. But for the better. They're happy, they're at peace, and love is all they need. They have their friends in Rose, Poe, and Finn and their students, too many to name, and of course, their kids. It's a better life than either of them could dream of.

Both of them can feel it, too. The thousands of past Jedi who look on at them proudly. The faces of Leia and Luke and Anakin smiling at them for creating what they could not. True balance in the force. A galaxy not torn by war. Love that lasts forever. 

Their life blooms with colors of all sort. Dark, light, in between, and they accept them all. Because the world isn't just black or white, after all.

The world is in shades and they plan to experience all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed my little fic! Let me know if you ever want more from me! I adore Reylo!

**Author's Note:**

> This will be multi chaptered and prob very emotional you have been warned but don't worry i swear we get a happy ending
> 
> let me know what you think


End file.
